I do not consider myself an expert, and I have no children of my own, but on an average day at work, I come into contact with at least 500 students and work very closely with about 15 of them daily. I hear their experiences, I watch their interactions, and I learn more and more each day. And often times, like today, I find myself wanting to shout these things from the schools’ rooftop:
- Always, always, always be clear and consistent with rules and consequences. Children have the tendency to pick up on the slightest bit of inconsistency. Many of them will use it to their advantage and manipulate you to get their way. I see it happen all the time. Although it may sometimes break your heart to have to follow through with consequences, consistency is key! I understand that this can be hard for divorced parents because one parent may be more lenient than the other, but this is not an excuse. Make sure your children understand that the rules and consequences with Mom may be different than those with Dad, with Grandma, at school, etc. I know parents who use a rules/consequences chart, which helps them with consistency. Hanging the chart on the wall or refrigerator will also serve as a visual reminder for children.
- Be careful not to dismiss a child’s feelings. A lot of times we become uncomfortable when we see children upset, hurt, angry, etc. So in an attempt to hurry and “fix” their problem, we say things like, “Oh, it’s not that bad.” “Dry those tears.” “Don’t be upset about that.” “You’re too young to know what stress is.” When we do this, we teach them that their feelings are not okay- that their feelings are wrong. This can be very confusing for them and lead to all sorts of issues over time. Instead of dismissing their feelings, give them permission to genuinely feel however it is they are feeling and let them know that their feelings are okay. Remember, it’s not the emotion that is the problem, but the way we react to the emotion... Once they are allowed to express their emotions freely, they will be ready to learn the skills they need to cope with their emotions in a healthy manner.
- Please, please, please don’t teach your children to fight back when another child is “bothering” them. Instead, take the time to teach them how to stand up for themselves without verbally or physically hurting others. In my experience, this is extremely difficult for parents to do, and I understand why. My biggest pet-peeve is bullying, and I know that if another child hurts your baby, you want that child to get what he/she deserves, but this does NOT teach them effective problem-solving skills. The skills you teach your children now are stored deep within their memory and are extremely difficult for them to unlearn later in life. These are the skills they will carry into adulthood. Think long-term.
- Look in the mirror. Children learn how to behave by observing others, especially you. You are their biggest role-model. How they see you handle yourself in the midst of a problem or stressful situation, is the same way they will learn to react when they are confronted with a problem. Be aware of your actions (both positive and negative) and what they are teaching your children. Watch what you say and do...even when you THINK they aren’t listening or watching.
- Have a conversation with your child every day, and really listen to what they say. Give them 100% of your positive, one-on-one attention. A lot of children lack the attention they need from adults; therefore out of desperation, they act out in order to get it. They would rather get negative attention from you than no attention at all. They need to feel important and accepted. Don’t talk TO them, talk WITH them. They want to be heard. Listen to what they say…their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. You may be surprised at what you learn.
- Use a lot of positive reinforcement, especially for the more "challenging" children. Catch them being good and reinforce that good behavior by giving them a smile, a compliment, a reward, etc. These are some effective ways to encourage good behavior directly. As a child and teenager, I can remember several different times overhearing my mom on the phone saying some very positive things about me to whoever she was talking to. She had encouraged me without even knowing it. I would never let her know I heard, but those positive words always made me feel good and want to continue making her proud. Encouragement is very important and makes children (and even adults) want to succeed.
BC
